tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79903327526708399242024-03-05T01:30:42.459-08:00Erin's SerendipityMy purpose for writing this blog was to share the blessings, laughs & lessons I've learned as I battle breast cancer, but really I think my stories are helpful to anyone who is going through any kind of struggle (and who isn't?) -- or supporting someone else.Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-25786608834567180622013-02-17T12:48:00.000-08:002013-02-17T15:46:50.640-08:00A Valentine's Day Like No Other!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's been just over a month since my last blog, and the turns my life have taken in that time ..... well, it's hard to believe. Stuff like this couldn't be dreamed up by the wildest Hollywood writers, but it is in the heart of God! Wow.<br />
<br />
As I write this, it is Valentine's Day, and while folks everywhere will be gushing with the traditional celebrations of romantic love -- chocolates, flowers, expensive dinners, flashy marriage proposals, and lots of Hallmark cards -- I can think of no one who has more to celebrate today than me and my husband John.<br />
<br />
Since Christmas I have been so sick, due to fluid build-up around my heart. Not only has the tumor against my aorta affected it, but there was also damage from radiation I'd had to that area. My impaired heart has impacted every other part of my body and I was weakening more and more. Doctors recommended that I have surgery to put a "window" in the membrane around my heart to relieve the fluid build-up, although they couldn't guarantee success -- it would be my best chance, so we decided to do it.<br />
<br />
In the midst of all this, God seemed to be very quiet. I'm sure this was mostly MY fault, though, for just not LISTENING. I was feeling so overwhelmed that I didn't event know how to pray and my communication with Him was almost none, except for frequent pleas for HELP! For some reason, the word I clung to the most was MERCY, and I begged Him for mercy over and over -- in whatever way He saw best.<br />
<br />
So February (National Heart Awareness Month) began with my heart surgery. It went well, although its ultimate success will still be evaluated as I recover. I was in the hospital for a week, most of that in<sup><i> </i></sup>ICU. My faithful husband John was at my side every possible moment, even though he was exhausted himself. John hadn't felt well for at least several months and was increasingly fatigued and complaining of chest pain and symptoms similar to my own. He would come to my hospital room, stretch on on the recliner next to my bed and sleep for hours. He had seen the doctor himself repeatedly and was undergoing a series of tests. They had not pinpointed the cause, but he'd had pneumonia and we knew he'd been "burning the candle at both ends" caring for me.<br />
<br />
Finally, John saw his doctor with test results just a couple days before I was to come home from the hospital myself. The doctor wanted him admitted immediately and he became my neighbor right down the hall in the cardiac section. Yes, when I got the full news about John's condition as I lay in my own hospital bed, I fairly freaked out. I was WAY past the point of asking how much more we could take, and it seemed like it just kept on coming. But as more details unfolded about him, I realized what a miracle it was that God had safely brought us both through.<br />
<br />
We learned that John had 4 blocked arteries: 2 blocked 99% and 2 blocked 100%. I still don't understand how he had survived and managed to function at all like this. Two days after coming home from heart surgery myself, I returned to the surgery waiting room as John underwent a quadruple bypass (we even had the same awesome surgeon!). Although he has been through much pain and now faces a tough recovery, his surgery was a success and he is already much improved!<br />
<br />
John is a walking miracle and I have no doubt that this was exactly the MERCY that God led me to pray for -- although we had no idea at the time! How wonderful that God understands our "groanings" when we don't even know what to pray for! God saved his life by allowing this problem to be discovered and treated just in the nick of time!<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><i> </i></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;"><i><span style="color: black;">"</span> <span class="text Rom-8-26">In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;</span> <span class="text Rom-8-27" id="en-NASB-28144">and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." Romans 8:26-27</span></i></span></blockquote>
<br />
The timing of all these events was crazy -- I don't think even Lifetime movie writers could have come up with this! As we celebrate Valentine's day, John & I both know we have so much more to be thankful for than just a little romance and paper hearts! The very heart of the one I love has been saved by the mercy of God -- it's impossible to measure that!<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;"><i><span class="text Luke-1-49" id="en-NASB-24943">“For the Mighty One has done great things for me;<sup><span style="color: #b00000;"> </span></sup></span><span class="text Luke-1-49">And holy is His name.</span><br /><span class="text Luke-1-50" id="en-NASB-24944">“<span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">And His mercy is</span> <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">upon generation after generation </span></span><span class="text Luke-1-50"><span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Toward those who fear Him</span>." <sup><span style="color: black;"> <span style="color: blue;"> Luke 1:49-50</span></span></sup></span></i></span></blockquote>
<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-65566121639872432892013-01-12T15:54:00.000-08:002013-01-12T15:54:22.071-08:00In Sickness and in Health<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: blue;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">My dear John has been the best husband in both good times and bad. Funny when you say that in your wedding vows you never expect the "bad" part may actually be put to the test one day. How very blessed I have been to have him for my husband. The following is a blog entry written by him to share his perspective as a caregiver:</span></i></span><br />
<br />
I've been wanting to share my perspective on the life of a caregiver. The ups and downs are like a wild ride at Disneyland. Many friends and relatives have commented to me about how surprised they were at what a good job I've done and how brave I have been with the day to day challenges that occur. I tell them, "Really? I'm not the brave one here."<br />
<br />
The brave one is the one fighting this disease day in and day out while still functioning in their everyday responsibilities and family trials and tribulations. Who knew 5 years ago that this would be an ongoing process or that life would never be the same for us? I feel no kudos are earned and it is an honor to do whatever I can to make my wife comfortable on a day-to-day basis.<br />
<br />
I'll start with friends and family. I must admit I was really hurt by some close friends and family that stayed clear of us and had very little or no contact. Rather than dwell on this, I chose to praise and thank God for the many friends and relatives that have stepped up to the plate and bless us every day with the things they do. Erin has mentioned in her blogs of the Friday "chemo day" delivery of flowers from our "flower fairy," dear Lynn, longtime friend and neighbor. I don't know how to ever begin to thank her for her faithfulness, love and support.<br />
<br />
The times when I am alone and driving to work seem to be when I have my emotional breakdowns. I'll think of the time ahead without my Erin. It seems like a bad dream or a Lifetime movie that is NOT happening to us. Well, it IS! I feel the minor things I do for Erin is just that -- minor. I am surprised to hear how little many husbands support their wives at the chemo lounge, and how many women drive themselves to and from their treatments. Really?<br />
<br />
I'm sure there is a support group for us caregivers, but I've never sought one. I have been fortunate enough to have a dear friend, therapist, and cancer survivor to meet with and air my thoughts. I leave her wiser, stronger, and ready to take on our next challenge.<br />
<br />
I feel when Erin is feeling good, I fall back mentally to the days of past where we could just freely shop, dine, and travel. You always hear people saying to cherish those days and do not take them for granted. I would think nothing more of those days, but it being the "norm" rather than a special moment.<br />
<br />
We both laugh a lot through the difficult paths that our life has taken us, such as the time we went to the memorial park to pick out our final resting places. It was like watching a "Roseanne" episode! Erin and I were put in a room to choose plot locations, the granite for our markers, and even what font type they would use. <br />
<br />
We would giggle like children until the "funeral lady" would reappear. We rode in a golf cart to the plot locations and we were the first in the new neighborhood to pick out the land in which we will be put to rest. Our sons didn't share our excitement or humor when I told them we had bought "real estate" in the O.C. and would be moving!<br />
<br />
To see your wife, lover, and best friend in any pain is indescribable. I only wish it was me going through the treatments. I could never imagine I would outlive my wife since her mother is still alive at 96 and going strong! Anxiety sets in when I think of life in the future without Erin. Such a deep pain and sadness that I immediately put it out of my mind.<br />
<br />
Erin has prepared many boxes of things for our sons and future grandchildren that will give them a glimpse of their grandmother. She has bought books that she has read to our sons and recorded her voice as she will now be able to read those same stories to our grandchildren. Time.... how lucky are we that she has had this time to prepare things like this.<br />
<br />
I remember every day that I'm not alone. So many friends are there waiting to comfort me and help out in any way. When I'm alone, I feel it. I do not feel like any hero or great husband. This is just what one does for someone you love: you care for them. For all you caregivers, I'd like to be your friend, rock, and support. I feel I have a lot to share (good and bad) and I could be a help to you and all the things you are going through. You can contact me at <a href="mailto:vitron11@gmail.com" target="_blank">vitron11@gmail.com</a><br />
<br />
I have put off writing this blog for fear of expressing myself in a way that would sound too sappy. The words come to mind from one of my favorite movies, "Terms of Endearment:" "IT'S OKAY TO TALK ABOUT THE CANCER!" I plan to write another entry in the future to share more of my experiences. Please let me know any specific topics you'd like to hear about.<br />
<br />
Knowing that all the prayers, love, and support we caregivers get from family and friends, we can also get from each other. I'm here for Erin...... I'm here for you! God bless!Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-45454718544441185772013-01-12T09:51:00.000-08:002013-01-12T09:51:12.983-08:00Cancer Doesn't "Win"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In the past few weeks my health has taken a sudden downward turn and although I think we knew it would eventually, things are happening faster than anticipated. Before Christmas I was enjoying lunch with girlfriends, short shopping trips, time revisiting favorite family traditions. A bout with the flu started late Christmas day and was soon compounded with other symptoms that has sent me to my oncologist numerous times as well as a few ER visits.<br />
<br />
Before we'd been able to follow up on a possible spread to my spine, it seems the nasty tumor abutting my aorta is causing more trouble. I am so weak and seem to have nosedived so quickly. While a panel of experts reviews my case to recommend next steps, we had "the talk" today with my oncologist and I am working on updating my Advance Healthcare Directive so all my end-of-life wishes are in writing. By the way, I recommend everyone do this, whether healthy or ill, young or old, and discuss it and give copies to your doctors and family members. <br />
<br />
I can't help thinking of my friend who has stopped chemo, is receiving palliative care, and joyfully looking forward to meeting her Lord. That sounds pretty good, especially the end of the journey. Some of the potential treatments and procedures I might face sound pretty awful and I have told doctors and family that I don't want to endure torture for only a small hope in buying a few short and miserable weeks or months in this life.<br />
<br />
Friends put on their brave faces, pat my hand, and tell me to not give up the fight -- I'm going to be okay. I smile. Yes, I'm going to be just GREAT, but probably not in the way they meant. My physical body will only be able to fight off the cancer for just so long, and then I will joyfully leave this battered shell behind and head for the new home Jesus has been preparing for me.<br />
<br />
But when that time comes,<u><b> I don't want anyone saying that I have "lost my battle with cancer" or that "cancer beat me." CANCER DOES NOT GET THE VICTORY!</b></u> I am tired of viewing this as a battle, fight, or a curse and I don't think of myself as a warrior or hero. I just did what I had to do while holding firmly to my Savior's Hand.<br />
<br />
But cancer doesn't win!<br />
<br />
I recently was given a great little booklet by John Piper titled "Don't Waste Your Cancer." What a lot of wonderful little nuggets of wisdom it contains. One article describes the sufferings of disease in this life as "labor pains" of a new creation and that something wonderful is coming!<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: blue;"><i>"For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body." Romans 8:22-23</i></span></blockquote>
"Beating cancer" doesn't equate with extending my life in this world. Satan would like me to think so, but the truth is I will be the victor either way, and the greatest victor when I join my Lord: <i><span style="color: blue;">"We are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord." 2 Corinthians 5:8</span></i><br />
<br />
To God be the glory! Cancer doesn't win!<br />
<br />
<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-83797090842584974612012-12-29T12:55:00.000-08:002012-12-29T12:55:09.367-08:00Subtle Blessings<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I started out today with a Lifetime movie and a box of kleenex.Yeah, I know, I know. I usually avoid Lifetime movies like the plague, knowing what tear-jerkers they always are, but this one was a special favorite of mine.<br />
<br />
"Five." Five separate stories of women who fought breast cancer, each in different ways. I love this movie because it's a reminder that breast cancer can come at us from many different directions and it is no respecter of persons. It might impact you through the loss of a loved one, co-worker, or the lady that greets you at your local Walmart. Old or young, stripper or high-powered attorney. No respecter of status, race, education, nothing. 1 in 8 get it, but nearly all of us are impacted by it in some way.<br />
<br />
So I pulled up my kleenex box and enjoyed this favorite movie of mine. Each time I watch it I come away with something different from it. Just like an old book you read over and over, or a favorite Bible passage. You see something you missed the first (or second or 30th) time around. That's the beauty of reading God's Word over and over -- He brings you a new little nugget each time.<br />
<br />
At the end of the movie (and I can tell you this without spoiling the ending) the main character's father gives her a gift -- a box of soap. It seemed a little odd and somewhat inappropriate for the occasion and she almost brushed it off, but then he explained that it had been her mother's favorite. She had previously commented on how much she missed the smell of her mother. Her father seemed like a crusty old guy, a man of few words who didn't relate well to others. But in that moment he communicated so much love and compassion to his daughter, and she had come so close to missing it altogether.<br />
<br />
It was this touching father-daughter moment that brought out the kleenex for me this time around. It made me think of my own father, often crusty, and wonder how many subtle blessings from him I may have missed over the years. Wish I had paid closer attention.<br />
<br />
I wonder how many subtle blessings cross our paths every day that are missed in the hustle and bustle. How many unspoken kindnesses from others -- loved ones or strangers, miracles and blessings from our Heavenly Father, that we don't even notice?<br />
<br />
Father, help me to see the subtle blessings You sprinkle in my life today, to appreciate them, and help me to extend those blessings to others. <br />
<br />
Keep your eyes open for that bar of soap.Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-87608934528704730122012-12-22T10:46:00.000-08:002012-12-22T10:46:54.953-08:00Who's in the Driver's Seat<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoZX9S9Ba6AI6bTHxKr0u1mKwVao8b2muL-8f8en5cVXnGxkouvJqJLrr7hK05Mfmr9PS2yqmn8twrkSDm9wC-UVDubH2oA86ythXmRYNcGADmS7ZUuD-5KG2XvC_WcRK_HQM0byQeveif/s1600/corvette+pch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoZX9S9Ba6AI6bTHxKr0u1mKwVao8b2muL-8f8en5cVXnGxkouvJqJLrr7hK05Mfmr9PS2yqmn8twrkSDm9wC-UVDubH2oA86ythXmRYNcGADmS7ZUuD-5KG2XvC_WcRK_HQM0byQeveif/s1600/corvette+pch.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
Reluctantly, I got into the car and sat down on the
passenger side. The insurance agent got in on the driver’s side, ready to take
my statement. I just couldn’t stop thinking how odd it was that he wanted to
take my statement in his car in the parking lot rather than in the office.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before closing my door, I took in the details
of my surroundings. Something was just not right. Then I noticed that he had
the engine running.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That told me right
away that he was not what he seemed and I needed to get out of there fast, or I
may not get another chance.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I bolted from the car and ran off into the parking lot, fake
insurance guy right on my heels. I frantically looked around for my car, but
couldn’t find it. I think it was at this point I realized that I was dreaming,
and if it was just a dream, then I could control what happens next. So since my
Honda Pilot was nowhere in sight, I decided that my key would magically work
just fine on the sharp little yellow Corvette right in front of me! I jumped in
and drove off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think I may have even run
over fake insurance guy on the way out of the lot.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wish real life worked like this, but it doesn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lately it feels like the bad guy (aka:
cancer, aka: fake insurance guy) is closing in.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Went to get some test results earlier this week and we got
fairly blindsided.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were expecting
either A or B, but instead got XYZ – an outcome we didn’t even know was
possible. A long disease name we’ve never heard of – I swear they must be
making this stuff up just for me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
little googling told me that it is a rare condition that affects less than 1%
of cancer patients. Wish I was this “lucky” when buying lottery tickets! And I
wish that like in my dream I was in control of things so I could ensure a happy
ending. I can hear the footsteps of the enemy getting closer. Lord, please send
that yellow Corvette!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I learned that the symptoms, diagnosis, and treatments are
all pretty horrible. I could potentially face loss of mobility, vision,
hearing, memory, speech …. what’s left? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been through a lot in the past 5 years,
but this one really took the cake. Medical websites described it as an “ominous”
diagnosis. Geez. I thought with tumors in my lung making it gradually more
difficult to breathe and another up against my heart, that I really didn’t need
to waste time worrying about the cancer making trouble elsewhere in my body. It
was getting increasingly hard to smile and be brave. No, I was not at the
wheel, and although I still trusted the One in the driver’s seat, I was not at
all happy about the way this road was now leading. I turned to my friends and
church family who’ve been praying for me and I told them I was done asking for
strength, because that always seemed to translate into more challenges for me
to face. Enough already. I just need a break. Please pray for God’s mercy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I prayed, too, for some kind of ending to this blog. Couldn’t
just end it here without any conclusion. I could say something nice about
trusting the Lord, and although I still did, He just seemed far away and silent
at the moment. Father, please help me, or teach me. Show me what the point is. I
clicked “save,” prayed, and waited.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Four days later, He answered me. He always does if I listen
and am patient. It started in the morning when I picked up my devotional book
which I hadn’t read in a while (“Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young). As it often
does, it seemed to speak directly to my present need: “Sometimes the road you
are traveling seems blocked .... [but] My plan for your life is unfolding
before you…. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Do not fear your weakness,
for it is the stage on which My Power and Glory perform most brilliantly</b>.
As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on My
strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles – and you will.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The verse was 2 Corinthians 5:7:</div>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“For we walk by faith,
not by sight.”</i></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn’t have to wait long for the miracles. The phone rang
that afternoon and it was an intern working on my case. She told me that my
case had been reviewed by their team of experts and they disagreed with the
other doctor! They felt that the information did not necessarily indicate
disease. Although I was not for sure in the clear, things were sounding WAY
more hopeful!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ll continue to trust the One in the driver’s seat of my
little yellow Corvette!</div>
Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-14158678371989281962012-12-05T11:01:00.002-08:002012-12-05T11:01:23.198-08:00Morticia's Roses<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIGuhyphenhyphenew7KsRdf0CsHxKVwncZAxFloVnXDzPm1v1AtoDLAj5mgr3V6i8NmX-61ceO1UE78NjrrxQ06AJ38VYoyHv_7lM9Fz14RKQ2VFTZPQIVE7qpPbimhI3V4tASWaTDYjbvsVdMvIkQ8/s1600/Morticia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIGuhyphenhyphenew7KsRdf0CsHxKVwncZAxFloVnXDzPm1v1AtoDLAj5mgr3V6i8NmX-61ceO1UE78NjrrxQ06AJ38VYoyHv_7lM9Fz14RKQ2VFTZPQIVE7qpPbimhI3V4tASWaTDYjbvsVdMvIkQ8/s1600/Morticia.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a>Having stage 4 cancer puts you in a whole different state of mind. I know, I've said that before. It's been 2 years now since we discovered that my cancer had spread to my lung and brain. It seems that we are working our way down the list of various treatments and chemo medicines, and they are less and less effective. We now seem to be just holding back the monster, rather than wiping him out. I follow the news closely to listen for any hopeful new development. I recently started taking a chemo pill that previously was used for treating kidney cancer and has now been found to also work for my type of breast cancer. It seems to be helping and I am cautiously optimistic, but won't know for sure until my next scan. I do find it discouraging that such a small percentage (5%, I'm told) of research funds for breast cancer go toward developing treatments for metasticized cancer.<br />
<br />
Because of all this, I seem to approach a lot of things in my life with a certain amount of melancholy. I remember when I first heard of Prince William & Kate's engagement -- I wasn't sure I'd be around to watch the wedding -- I was. When I planted asparagus a few years ago, I knew it would be 2 or 3 years before it could be harvested, and I wondered if I'd get to enjoy it -- I did. I put away my summer clothes and wonder if I'll wear them again -- I have. When I pack up the Christmas decorations, I wonder if I'll unpack them next year -- here I am! I have a long list of books I want to read, but wonder how many I'll have time to finish.-- we'll see, I'm a slow reader. I don't mean to sound morbid -- I am at peace and do look forward to my home in heaven some day, but I am still melancholy about the things I would miss or leave unfinished in this life.<br />
<br />
In front of our house, we have a long row of white rose bushes. I have seen the same kind of roses many places and they are <u>loaded</u> with beautiful white blooms. Ours, however, not so much. My husband is determined to "train" them to bloom at a lower height, so they don't get too tall and wild, and he regularly chops them down. I have repeatedly reasoned with him, explaining that his training attempts are futile and it is just natural for the plant to bloom at a certain height. Okay, okay, he promises not to cut them any more, then does it again a month later. I know he sneaks in a few snips here and there, thinking I won't notice. However, I really thought I'd finally convinced him to stop when we got a new gardener who promised to lovingly and expertly care for them for us.<br />
<br />
Early one morning last month,, I walked to the front window and pulled open the drapes, only to discover him red-handed, scissors in hand and about a third of the way across my row of finally-blooming roses. Like Morticia Addams (Addams Family), who chopped the heads off all her roses and left nothing but stems in her vases. I yelled and cried and retreated to another room.<br />
<br />
A little while later, John & I talked about it and I told him exactly why I was so upset. I really loved those roses (you know me & my garden!) and looked forward to seeing them loaded with blooms, like so many others I've seen. But every time they started to blossom, John would chop them off. Then I would wait what seemed like months for them to bloom again. As soon as they did, he would chop them again. I cried and confessed to him that I was always afraid I wouldn't live to see them bloom again. There, I said it. That was the underlying reason for so fiercely protecting my roses. My sweet John would never do anything to deliberately hurt me -- he just hadn't understood my perspective. I was only now starting to understand it myself.<br />
<br />
I recently had the privilege of talking with a wonderful and courageous woman who is a little further down the path than I am. Her cancer has widely spread and her doctors have stopped her chemo. She is home, enjoying the love and support of precious friends and family. She is thrilled to be done with chemo and the awful side effects. She has gotten her affairs in order and is joyfully looking forward to meeting her Savior. She is not looking back, but looking <i>ahead!</i> She told me that she's never been so happy. She really is an inspiration to me! I so admire her for her faith, strength, and courage. I haven't quite reached that level of peace, peace that surpasses understanding, but hope I will when the time comes!Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-47045776028085233802012-10-19T17:54:00.000-07:002012-10-19T17:54:53.698-07:00Breast Cancer Awareness - Knowing It Exists is Not Enough!<br />
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It's that time of year again when we see pink ribbons everywhere and there is much talk about "breast cancer awareness." Retailers are pushing all kinds of pink products -- everything from t-shirts and bracelets to vacuum cleaners. There are lots of fundraiser events going on: walks, shows, banquets, and sales. Even professional sports teams get in the spirit by wearing pink.<br />
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Is it just me, or has breast cancer awareness become more prevalent recently? I'd like to think it has. 5 years ago when I was first diagnosed, it was "Breast Cancer Awareness Month" just a few weeks later, and it seemed like the whole world was suddenly cheering me on in my fight. Every year since then when October rolls around it does boost my spirits just to see those pink ribbons and know that I'm not alone in this battle.<br />
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But what is it exactly that we are hoping to make people aware of? At the end of the day, what should we take away from all this? I can only share with you my perspective as a breast cancer warrior.<br />
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I would like people to be aware of the statistics, but not just <i>numbers</i> -- the real life <b>facts</b>. <u><span style="color: #e06666;">1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime</span></u>. This fact starts to hit home when you begin hearing of all the folks you know being diagnosed -- your mother, your sister, your friend, your co-worker, your hairdresser, your neighbor, and on and on. It happens way too often. Over 200,000 women are diagnosed with breast cancer each year in the U.S., and over 40,000 die from it each year. Aside from skin cancer, it is the most common cancer among women and aside from lung cancer it is the most common cause of cancer death among women.<br />
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I would like women to be aware of the importance of early detection. A woman's prognosis is much better when the cancer is discovered before it has grown large or spread to other areas. Most doctors feel that thousands of lives are saved each year due to early detection tests. The American Cancer Society states that women may want to perform regular self-exams beginning in their 20's, recommends periodic clinical exams (about every 3 years) beginning in their 20's and 30's, and annual mammograms beginning in their 40's. Women with a higher lifetime risk (20% or higher) should have an annual MRI and mammogram.<br />
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I would like women to be aware of what their own personal risk factors are and how those risks impact them. Risk factors include age, race, breast density, family history, birth control, hormone therapy, etc. The American Cancer Society has a very informative article on early detection, risk factors, and symptoms which you can read about here: <a href="http://www.cancer.org/acs/groups/cid/documents/webcontent/003165-pdf.pdf" target="_blank">American Cancer Society </a><br />
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Another organization with a great website is <a href="http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/" target="_blank">National Breast Cancer Foundation</a> which has lots of information, including an app for a personalized early detection plan and an informative section called "Beyond the Shock" with questions, answers, and real stories.<br />
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One huge misconception many women have is that they are "safe" if they have no family history of breast cancer. While it is true that a woman's risk factor increases if an immediate family member had breast cancer, 85% of women who are diagnosed had NO family history!<br />
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I would like women to be aware of various testing -- what is available and what are the pros and cons of each. Be aware that mammograms are not perfect -- they have limitations. Even though they do miss some cancers, they are still an important and valuable tool in detecting cancer. While some women have expressed concern about the amount of radiation a woman is exposed to in a mammogram, the American Cancer Society states that it is roughly equal to the amount of radiation one is exposed to on a commercial jet flying from New York to California and that it does not significantly increase the risk for breast cancer.<br />
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I would also like everyone to be aware of the importance of the development and availability of new and better treatment. The "race for the cure" before another life is lost. Every time I hear a news broadcast about a hopeful new discovery, I follow the story to the footnote that details how many months or years it will be going through various trials followed by the red tape of FDA approvals, and I am discouraged to think that it probably won't be in time to help me, but I do hope it will eventually save others' lives. My doctor has often told me that the most hopeful new drug for me is T-DM1 and has been tied up by political red tape in Washington, D.C. for several years now. It certainly is disheartening when I consider all the lives that are being lost in the meantime.<br />
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I would like women to take breast cancer seriously, because I didn't. It's not just your breasts you may lose, it could be your life, so be aware and be vigilant in regular and thorough exams and tests.<br />
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And I would like people to be aware that after this month passes, all the pink sales displays disappear, and all the hoopla dies down, we breast cancer warriors will still be silently fighting on. Please don't support us for only one month out of the year. <br />
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A few days ago I ran into a teenage girl at the store who had a pink
breast cancer ribbon painted on her cheek. I wondered if it had special
significance to her and I asked her about it. As it turned out, her aunt
was a survivor. I pray this disease is wiped out long before this young girl
has to face it herself one day.Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-29072358971868959942012-10-15T13:44:00.002-07:002012-10-15T13:44:55.675-07:00Not in Kansas Anymore!<br />
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Recently I got a gift card to Nordstrom’s for my birthday and I went shopping intending to get something practical like maybe a couple new sweaters for fall. I even had a few draped over my arm when I happened upon these beauties …. a pair of shiny candy apple red high-heeled pumps!</div>
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Oh, they are SO not me! Well, at least not me recently. If you've battled cancer, or other serious illness, you understand what I mean. Dazzling beauty and the latest styles are way down on your list of priorities. My clothes now focus on what keeps me warm in the cold chemo lounge, what keeps me cool when I'm having hot flashes, necklines that allow access to my port, and what's just plain comfortable for a day of resting on the couch. I'm lucky to be color-coordinated and it's been a very long time since I've actually felt <i><u>pretty</u></i>.<br />
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There was a time when I dressed up every day for the office and had a closet full of stylish high heels. But now thanks partly to chemo, I guess, and a number of very painful visits to the podiatrist, I have officially reached the age of “comfortable shoes.” My closet now is filled with Crocs and Sketchers. Nothing that would painfully pinch my toes—not even flip-flops any more (oh, how I miss my Rainbows and Havaianas!).</div>
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But these perfect red delights were just too much for me to resist! I quickly dumped the sweaters and headed to the register with my find. To heck with comfortable shoes!</div>
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<span style="color: #484848;">If all goes as planned, they will provide the </span><span class="caps"><b><span style="color: #990000;">POP</span></b></span><span style="color: #484848;"> in my outfit when my husband and I go out next month to celebrate our 30 year anniversary. We got cheated out of a proper celebration for our silver wedding anniversary 5 years ago because I was sick and in the midst of my first series of chemo. I’m hoping we’ll be able to have a special evening this time, even if it's just nice dinner at home.</span></div>
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I don’t have the dress yet -- I'm still searching for just the right one to make me feel <i><u>pretty</u></i> again -- but boy, have I got the shoes! They'll look fabulous even if I'm just wearing sweats or pj's!</div>
Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-15903601772687324132012-10-07T09:05:00.001-07:002012-10-07T09:05:41.806-07:00Lay It At God's Feet and Leave It There<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As a cancer "warrior" I don't always have a courageous smile on my face, I'm not always waving a victorious sword over my head. I do thank everyone for your awesome support and prayers and pats on the back, but I must confess that the reality is there are times when I am weary, discouraged, defeated.<br />
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I do believe in spiritual warfare and that it is going on around us all the time. Some days the enemy gets the upper hand and I feel really beaten down. I had one of those days not long ago. I came home, crawled into bed, pulled the blankets over my head, and just wanted to escape the world. It was one of those days. Those rare but really awful days. I was not just in a "funk" but really defeated.<br />
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As I retreated into bed, I could feel this heavy mood settling over me. Not one that passes after a good night's rest, but one that oppresses for days or even weeks. I didn't have the strength or the will to fight it off, although I knew I should.<br />
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Just then, the phone rang and it was a friend of mine calling to check on me. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, but I answered it anyway. She immediately picked up on the sound of my voice. "What's wrong?"<br />
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She listened patiently then said "Okay, here's what I want you to do!" She looked at the clock -- it was 20 minutes til 10. "I'm giving you 20 minutes to have a pity party, cry your eyes out, get it all out of your system. After that, no more. <b>Lay it at God's feet and leave it there</b>."<br />
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I hung up the phone, grabbed some kleenex, and did pretty much as instructed. I hadn't had a good cry in a long time and it felt totally cleansing. I poured my hear out to God, told Him my frustration, guilt, anger, fear, all of it and let the tears flow.<br />
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When I had gotten it all out of my system I opened my eyes and saw that the clock across the room read 10 o'clock on the dot. I sighed and felt a huge load off of my shoulders. I have often been told that to better fight the cancer in my body, I need to avoid stress. Stress would weaken my immune system. A recent study showed that stress hormones can directly support tumor growth and spread. While I understand this, it's always seemed like a "Catch-22" to me. How do you eliminate stress in your life when the cancer is the main cause of it? I guess that means that those folks who annoy me with "Think good thoughts!" aren't totally off base after all.<br />
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I have found an occasional good cleansing cry to be very therapeutic for me. Just don't let that mood hang on to you -- lay it at the Lord's feet and leave it there! Perhaps Augustine was experiencing something similar when he wrote the following prayer:<br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><i>"God of our life, there are days when the burdens we carry chafe our shoulders and weigh us down; when the road seems dreary and endless, the skies grey and threatening; when our lives have no music in them, and our hearts are lonely, and our souls have lost their courage. Flood the path with light, run our eyes to where the skies are full of promise; tune our hearts to brave music; give us the sense of comradeship with heroes and saints of every age; and so quicken our spirits that we may be able to encourage the souls of all who journey with us on the road of life, to Your honor and glory."</i></span></blockquote>
Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-2687880413354678802012-09-28T09:44:00.000-07:002012-09-28T20:10:46.655-07:00Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It was the 1970's. Disco was big, everyone was learning to dance the Hustle, and girls bleached their hair and feathered their bangs to the side to get that "Farrah Fawcett look." I was in my senior year at Millikan High School and my favorite class was Mr. Hollis' creative writing class. I remember he loved to talk about his good friend Ray Bradbury, the famous author of Fahrenheit 451, required reading in every English class. I also remember Mr. Hollis kept his saxophone in a case behind his desk. Not a usual teaching tool for creative writing, but if we could get him to reminisce off the topic, we could sometimes get him to play something for us, thereby avoiding an hour of classwork.<br />
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Maybe I liked Mr. Hollis class because it was an easy "A" and writing just seemed to come naturally to me. Maybe because Mr. Hollis was always so flattering in his comments about my writing. His glowing remarks made me feel like I was something special and he urged me to pursue writing as a career. He boosted my ego so much, that when I submitted my first paper to my college professor the following year, I was certain he would also be impressed by my great talent!<br />
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Wrong. My papers continually came back covered in red marks and harsh criticisms. I had great respect for my professor and figured he must know what he's talking about. I was timid, naive, soft-spoken, and didn't fight back. I figured dear Mr. Hollis had just been trying to encourage me and all that talk about "writing talent" had been mere flattery. I was crushed. I gave up the idea of pursuing a writing career, although I still got my degree in Creative Writing, just because I liked it and it came easy to me.<br />
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I spent the next 25 years in a cubicle, typing and filing, designing and proofreading yellow page ads. Not exactly writing best-sellers. Not writing at all until cancer threw up a detour on my path. Several years into my cancer treatments, a friend's persistent encouragement finally got me to start writing a blog to share my experiences with others. It seems that all these years later, God is finally putting to use the gift of writing He gave me long ago. It still surprises me when people compliment me on my writing, because it comes so naturally to me -- it's no big deal, don't words flow for everybody? Maybe I still believe my college professor more so than Mr. Hollis.<br />
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Still, I am moved to see how God gifted me and prepared me for the work He had for me, even if it was nearly 30 years later.<br />
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Just a year or two ago when I was sitting next to my good friend Kim in the chemo lounge, she shared another amazing story of God's way of preparing us for <u>His</u> plans. She told me about the time she had taken a philosophy class at a community college. During one class the professor began attacking Christian theology and asked if there were any Christians in the class. Kim was the only one who raised her hand. The professor asked her to convince him of her beliefs and challenged her to a debate against him and the rest of the class on the last day of school. Talk about intimidating!<br />
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Kim was scared. She knew that her tender Bible stories wouldn't carry any weight and she was going to have to bring the heavy ammo -- hard facts and plenty of them. She knew she would have to approach this intellectually and normally that just wasn't her style. She studied books on apologetics, talked with friends and pastors, memorized scriptures. Months later, when the day finally came, she was prepared, but then the professor dismissed class early. When Kim asked him 'What about our debate?' his response was that he really didn't care what she had to say. Class dismissed.<br />
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I can't imagine Kim's frustration! All that time studying and preparing, all for nothing. What was God thinking? She had prepared for so long and now to not even have the opportunity to share her thoughts was frustrating and discouraging.<br />
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The next day she went to the hospital, where she had been supporting a friend and her family whose sister was dying. Kim told me she had the amazing privilege of being with her when she drew her last breath before she entered heaven. After a while, she left the room and went out to the waiting room. She sat down next to a young man who was a friend of the family.<br />
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On previous visits, this young man would get angry when Kim would pray with the family. But this time he turned to Kim and asked "Who is God?" He told her not to give him any fluffy emotional feel-good stories -- just the FACTS. Kim almost started to cry when she realized that her recent adventure in apologetics had nothing to do with that philosophy class -- <u><i>this</i></u> was the moment that God had been preparing her for, and she proceeded to share all the information she'd studied. The young man was moved and told her he didn't know she was capable of such an intellectual, factual approach. He wept, his face in his hands. Kim says that to this day she doesn't know whether he came to the Lord, but she does know a fertile seed was planted that day.<br />
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So recently, when my friend Lynn told me about her plans for training, certification, grad school, then a specific career at a specific place, etc., etc., all very carefully scheduled and laid out, I just smiled. She was anxiously waiting to hear whether she'd been accepted to grad school and it seemed as if she has hit a roadblock and things may not go quite as she had hoped and planned. I told her I had seen this sort of thing before! God is no doubt preparing her for <i>something</i>, and He <u><i>will</i></u> use her, but it may not be in exactly the way she has planned. This is why I've learned not to panic when things don't go according to MY plan -- because GOD'S plan always works out and is so much better than mine anyway! These repeated lessons have convinced me of His Hand in ALL things and have taught me that I can trust Him absolutely!<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"></span><br />
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Just another example of ...........<br />
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<span style="color: #073763;"><i>"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28</i></span></blockquote>
Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-43337544668140495612012-09-19T12:17:00.001-07:002012-09-19T12:17:48.422-07:00Much Too Young to Feel This Damn Old<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Very rarely have I ever seen one of my many scans to get an actual idea of where the cancer is invading. Once I got a view of my skeleton following a bone scan and saw a few lights on my side that turned out to be broken ribs (beware of coughing too hard if you have osteoporosis). But for the most part, doctors' reports with descriptions and dimensions is all I've had.<br />
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The one that's really stuck in my head, though, is the description of the mass in my upper lung "abutting my aorta." I knew there was one in my upper lung, but to hear it was right against my heart was freaky. It does explain why I'm feeling short of breath and weak. Of all places! Why couldn't I have a tumor on my big toe instead? It's like the enemy knew the most critical spot ..... and ..... bullseye!<br />
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Lately I have found I get winded just doing the smallest things. My heart pounds and I have to slow my steps, or just stay planted on the couch when I'd much rather be up and doing something. Leave the chores undone. Some days I can't manage anything more strenuous than tapping my laptop keys. It's so frustrating! As the song goes, I'm much too young to feel so damn old!<br />
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I'll be turning 52 later this week. That used to sound awfully old to me, but not so much as I approach it. The woman inside my head feels the same as when she'd just graduated high school. Surely that wasn't very long ago, was it? Even at 52, my body should be much more able, if it wasn't for this cancer. Good grief -- I long for the health and stamina of my 95-year-old mother! She said to me the other day, "Oh that's right! You'll be turning 42 in a few days, won't you?" With an honest miscalculation she had shaved a full decade off my age.<br />
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For a split second I wished I WAS 42 again. Do you ever wish yourself back to a younger age? Not me. Yes, it would be nice to have a thinner, wrinkle-free, stronger me and be able to enjoy the happy moments of my sons' childhood all over again. But then I remember the down side, the struggles, the unhappy moments, illnesses, etc. No, I wouldn't wish to go through all those things in my past all over again. Life is a mix of the good and bad, and the good Lord brings us through it all for a reason. To form us and mold us into the people we are today.<br />
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So I'll celebrate my birthday and look ahead instead of behind. Here's to a new year and all the good things it will bring!<br />
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<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-67672442589375018582012-09-07T07:53:00.001-07:002012-09-07T07:53:43.256-07:005 Years Ago Today -- The Call That Changed My Life<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Celebrating my 47th birthday with my family, 5 years ago, <br />
and 2 days before starting chemo.</td></tr>
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Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the day that my life changed with the news that I had breast cancer and I can't help but think about what that day was like and how my life has changed since then.<br />
<br />
I'd had regular annual mammograms since I was in my 30's because I had fibrocystic breasts. This is not an uncommon condition and in fact 50% of all women have this at some time. But because of this, I was not alarmed to find lumps occasionally. I'd had my annual mammogram about a month earlier and the tech spotted some calcifications in my left breast. He told me it was probably nothing, but if I was his mother or sister he would advise getting it checked out just to be sure. Looking back now, I wonder if he was just trying to save me from being frightened.<br />
<br />
I had a needle biopsy done a couple weeks later. I'd had cysts aspirated before so thought this would be similar. Unfortunately, I was surprised that it was actually quite painful. I was sore for several days afterward.<br />
<br />
Then....we waited anxiously for the results. It was about 7:30 on a Friday evening and I had just returned from a walk with my friend Lynn when the phone rang. We had given up on hearing any news over the weekend and were surprised to get a call from my doctor so late. He explained to me that the biopsies had tested positive for an aggressive form of breast cancer in my breast and in lymph nodes under my arm. He told me about what the next steps would be, who I needed to call, and how my treatment would be determined.<br />
<br />
He stressed to me a couple times that it was aggressive. At that point I really didn't understand what that meant. In my mind, I thought it meant this is serious, don't delay treatment, but I didn't think breast cancer was life threatening. The worst that could happen would be that I would need a mastectomy, right?<br />
<br />
That Sunday morning when I left for church, I drove to the end of my street and discovered a huge flock of women in pink tee-shirts walking down the street. It was a breast cancer walk, Avon I think. What a coincidence, huh? The pink women lined my route all the way from the end of my street to my church, a couple miles away, where they walked right by the front door. I wondered if I would be finished with my treatments and walking with them in a year. I felt like the newest member of a loving, supportive sisterhood -- yet, one I really didn't want to join. <br />
<br />
In the next two weeks I saw the oncologist and surgeon, then got a second opinion which reassured us we were on the right track. One thing I learned from the doctor who gave me the 2nd opinion, was that based on the growth rate of my main tumor, they estimated that <u><b>the cancer had been there for 3 to 4 years. It had gone undetected in previous mammograms due to the cysts.</b></u> That was upsetting and I always warn other women of that possibility. Then, just 2 days after my 47th birthday, I began chemo and my journey began.<br />
<br />
I remember how bizarre and surreal it felt after getting that fateful phone call. I would wake up in the middle of the night and think -- wow, I have CANCER in my body, and yet I don't feel sick, I don't feel any different than I did yesterday. <br />
<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Celebrating with my family, 5 years later!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
When I look up statistics on breast cancer, they seem to calculate it based on how many survive to 5 years after diagnosis and beyond. Happy anniversary, cancer! I guess that means that <b><i><span style="color: #741b47;">as of tomorrow, I am beating the odds!</span></i></b>Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-54838930512962212082012-08-29T07:47:00.000-07:002012-08-29T07:47:39.315-07:00"God Will Never Give You More than You Can Handle" -- Is it True?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A big story in our local news this past week was the suicide of a successful movie director who jumped off the Vincent Thomas bridge. The bridge is a familiar area sight and just a few miles from my home. Initial reports said that this man had just been diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. His family has since denied that report, so we must wonder what drove him to this act and to abandon his wife and young sons.<br />
<br />
Suicide is an offensive subject to me since I am fighting for my life. It seems to me that he threw away the precious gift of time that God had given him (the topic of my last blog). Is that okay? Is suicide okay in the case of those who have a certain amount of suffering in their lives or a terminal illness? If so, how do you determine the amount of suffering at which it becomes too much? There was much chatter about this event on a cancer blog website that I read. I was surprised that most of the comments folks made were about HOW he did it and that perhaps another method would have been less painful. There was no concern over what may have driven him to do it or compassion for his family that is left behind. It was more like a conversation on how-to tips for suicide. I thought it was so sad and my heart aches when I see through the eyes of people who have no hope.<br />
<br />
I have had so many well-meaning people tell me that "God won't give you more than you can handle" as they face the challenges in their own lives and try to encourage me in my battle with cancer. In a way, I'd like to think that was true, and that God didn't have such a high opinion of exactly how much I CAN handle. I've thought it myself, when I heard of a friend who seemed to have more and more bad news heaped upon her. But then the other day I started questioning, thinking yeah, it sounds nice, but where in the Bible does it actually <b>SAY</b> that? Did God <i>REALLY</i> promise us that? Or is it just one of those nice-sounding expressions that people <u>assume</u> are from the Bible (but they aren't), such as "God helps those who help themselves?"<br />
<br />
<br />
The truth is, the thought comes from 1 Corinthians 10:13:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<br />
<i><span style="color: #0b5394;">"No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it."</span></i></blockquote>
So this promise is specifically about temptation, not suffering. Although we would like to think we are protected from "too much" suffering, that is a dangerous and false teaching. After being pounded by problems, we might conclude that God has let us down, but the truth is, He will never leave us or forsake us and His grace is sufficient!<br />
<br />
The Bible is full of stories of people who were given "more than they could handle." So why does God allow it?<br />
<br />
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How about the Israelites when they were chased by the Egyptian army and trapped against the Red Sea? That was certainly more than they could handle. Or, consider Gideon and his troop of 300 which God had whittled away from the original 22,000 to do battle against 135,000 enemies. Think that was more than they could handle? In each case, there was no humanly possible resolution and God intervened to rescue them miraculously! <br />
<br />
<br />
I think God often works this way in order to reveal His power and so that He will get the glory -- not us! It also teaches us an important lesson in relying on Him and not our own strength or "wisdom" as we go through life's inevitable difficulties.<br />
<br />
In 2 Corinthians 1:8-10 Paul wrote:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i style="color: #0b5394;">"For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction, which came to us in Asia, that <u>we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life</u>. Indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves <u>in order that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God</u> who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us. He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us."</i></blockquote>
<br />
God may very well give you more than you can handle -- but don't worry, He can handle anything!Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-21407475277090409222012-08-12T18:56:00.000-07:002012-08-13T07:18:50.804-07:00The Gift of Time<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So we just saw my oncologist a few days ago to discuss the results of my last scan. Although the results were better than I had <b><i>expected</i></b>, they were not as good as I had <i><b>hoped</b></i>!<br />
<br />
The two tumors in my lung that we had spotted previously were still there, but had responded to treatment. The radiologist wrote that they were <u>markedly</u> reduced. That word excited me, but when I read the numbers I decided that he and I had a very different definition of the word. However, my doctor was very encouraged that both tumors were reduced and also the SUV numbers were way down, which indicated that the cancer was inactive or at least very slow growing.<br />
<br />
Of course I would have preferred to hear that the tumors were gone, as had often been the results after previous rounds of chemo. It is also a concern that one of the tumors abuts my aorta. Don't like the sound of that. Perhaps that explains my lack of strength and energy lately. Yes, I'd rather the cancer was all gone, but now we have to just settle for reducing it and slowing it down.<br />
<br />
I've been digesting this information for a few days now and adjusting to the progression of the disease. Although it's not what I want and I'm not feeling 100% or even 75%, I haven't lost faith and I continue to fight on. As I was doing some things around the house yesterday, I thought about how my focus, priorities, and daily activities have changed since my diagnosis. Some people die suddenly, without any warning, having had no time to prepare for it.<br />
<br />
Some might be angry with God when they get a terminal disease, but we all have to go sometime in some way. I smiled to myself and thanked God for the precious gift of time that He has given me. I realize I may have years left -- or I may not -- but fighting this cancer has changed my focus and allowed me time to do the things I'd procrastinated for too long. Long overdue things like organizing family photos (still working on it, but I'm getting there!) and writing personal and family history to hand down to my children and grandchildren. My husband and I have taken care of personal matters like our wills and pre-planned burials. But most importantly I've been sharing my faith more boldly than I'd had the courage to do before. I wish I hadn't waited so long to do that, but I'm so grateful God is giving me time now to do it.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i style="color: #073763;"> "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:10</i></blockquote>
<br />
I just heard of a friend's niece who is now terminal and home on hospice care. Doctors have only given her a few months to live and she still has matters she needs to handle. I'm praying that like me, God will give her the precious gift of time she needs to finish her purpose in this life.Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-16986589890402738652012-08-05T10:24:00.000-07:002012-08-06T13:33:24.889-07:00Don't You Trust Me?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I watched a movie yesterday, "We Bought a Zoo" with Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson. Without giving away any of the story, the plot was a young widower and his kids trying to make a fresh start following the death of their wife and mother. Each of them was grieving her in their own way and hurting deeply. Some of them were not handling it well at all.<br />
<br />
It made me think of my own family and how they might handle my death, if I should lose this cancer battle. I am perfectly content with going home to the Lord. I look forward to my new body and a new address in heaven, seeing my deceased believing loved ones, and seeing Jesus. I'll be in a better place with no more suffering or tears. Who wouldn't be fine with that? But I have always worried about how my family would get along without me and how they would handle my passing. It's in those thoughtful, heartbreaking moments when the Lord quietly whispers in my ear, "Don't you trust Me?"<br />
<br />
I went through a similar situation nearly 20 years ago when doctors found an AVM (arteriovenous malformation) in my brain, a potentially fatal condition. I considered treatment options and made out my will, just in case. My sons were 4 and 8 years old at that time and I couldn't imagine them growing up without their mommy. While Satan tortured me with those agonizing thoughts, the God of the universe quietly countered my fears with "Don't you trust Me, Erin?"<br />
<br />
In this crazy busy world we get so caught up with doing things and handling them ourselves without ever seeking the Lord or realizing that He's in control. At home, I'm one who organizes and handles things. I'm in charge of reading instructions and directing assembly of things. As the only female in the house, I'm always the one depended on to help find lost items (Mom! Have you seen my ---?). And I am the head peacemaker, translator, and negotiator between my men when an argument occurs. AND I'm the only one who knows how to fold fitted sheets! What in the world would they all do without my help, guidance, and wisdom?<br />
<br />
Oops. I really let my ego get carried away when I entertain thoughts
like that. I know that God is loving and all-powerful. He is large and
in charge. I can trust Him with all aspects of my own life, but
releasing the care of my beloved family <i>completely</i> into His hands and letting go? That is really tough, but ultimately I know I can trust Him with them too. I think about how deeply, deeply I love them and then I try to compare that to Jesus' love for them -- I know He loves them even infinitely more that I do, and gave His life for them, so of course I can release them into His Hands and trust Him to take care of my family if I'm not around.<br />
<br />
My favorite lesson on trusting God is the story of Peter walking on water with Jesus in <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2014:22-32&version=NASB" target="_blank">Matthew 14:22-32</a> . Peter was doing just fine as long as he kept his eyes on Jesus, but when he started checking out the wind and waves around him, he started to sink until Jesus took his hand.<br />
<br />
I was listening to a radio program the other day on which the host told about her recent cesarean childbirth. It had been her greatest fear come true, and she too had heard the Lord had ask her "Don't you trust me?" She did, and everything turned out fine. So often God uses our greatest fears or the things (or people) that are most precious to us in order to teach us to trust Him.<br />
<br />
Ok, Lord, I'll trust You.<br />
<br />
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<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-29754164030456541412012-08-03T08:14:00.000-07:002012-08-03T08:14:47.954-07:00A Heavenly Body<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I spent some time yesterday inside a scanner "tunnel." The machine buzzed and hummed and moved around me searching from head to toe for signs of that cancer. I had to lay there completely still for 24 minutes. I always use this time to talk things over with the Lord. It has been 5 years ago this month since the mammogram that found my cancer, so I've been through quite a few of these scans. I used to think of these scans as just a formality to confirm that the cancer was still gone, but since it returned so aggressively I can't help but wonder which part of my body it will invade next.<br />
<br />
After 5 years of various treatments my poor body has gotten quite beat
up. I know I can never expect to feel 100% again because of the damage
done to it. With each symptom, ache or pain I wonder if it's caused by the
cancer, or a side effect of medications, damage from treatments, or just plain
growing old.<br />
<br />
Of course I pray for God's miraculous and complete healing, and I believe that He could if it was His will. But I'm just not sure that it is. Does that mean I have a lack of faith? No way. I know that God designed this earthly body of mine to only last a certain number of years. This body is destined to break down, wear out, and fall apart. So at some point some part is going to give out and I'll be trading it in for a new heavenly body. Some days I really look forward to that body!<br />
<br />
I thought back on conversations I've had with friends lately. As we get older (50's and 60's) it seems like our conversations include much more about our latest pains and illnesses. We used to laugh about our parents' same conversations, but now our kids are teasing <i>US</i>. Yeah, 50 or 60 used to sound ANCIENT to me when I was younger, but as I reach those numbers myself it doesn't seem so old any more! But now our bodies are limiting us and won't let us do nearly all the things we'd like to.<br />
<br />
Our hair is gray, white, or falling out. Or better yet -- it's sprouting out of places it never grew before! Our joints ache and tell us when a storm is coming. We have to buy "comfortable shoes" now to accommodate our ingrown toenails. Charlie horses send us leaping from bed in the middle of the night. Our calendar fills up with various doctor appointments and we can't even read it without our bifocals on. All of this is really no surprise, it just seems so foreign when it starts happening to YOU! God warned us in Psalm 103:14-16:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #073763;">"For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust. As for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he flourishes. When the wind has passed over it, it is no more, and its place acknowledges it no longer."</span></blockquote>
Probably the part I hate the most is food limitations. We have to watch our calories, cholesterol, sugar, Vitamin K, you name it! Anyone reading this who's under 30 has either tuned out or is laughing hysterically at the "old people" -- but trust me, you'll be here too someday. I would dearly love to travel the world, go to exotic restaurants and sample their wares without ever having to give a thought to what ingredients are in it that might make me sick.<br />
<br />
John & I have annual passes to Disneyland which they have graciously agreed to put on hold for us until I am well enough to use again. We haven't been in 2 or 3 years now and I miss it so much. Sure wish I had the strength and stamina to do it (even in a wheelchair). Occasionally I can manage a shopping trip to Walmart, as long as their motorized carts are fully charged. We went last night and John pushed me around in a wheelchair cart -- small children stared at me like I was an alien, but it was still great to get out of the house.<br />
<br />
My heavenly body will <b><i>never</i></b> tire out, never lose hair, never sag or wrinkle. Never get a headache or heartburn. It's going to be wonderful to eat whatever I please -- I look forward to that marriage feast! The Bible tells us that our new bodies will be imperishable (oh, I love that word!), perfected, glorious, powerful, immortal, changed. Read that again slowly and take a moment to savor that thought! You can't help but long for that!<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="color: #073763;">
"Behold, I tell you a mystery; we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet; for the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For this perishable must put on the imperishable, and this mortal must put on immortality." I Corinthians 15:51-53</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #073763;">"Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is." I John 3:2</span></blockquote>Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-76722502020676735672012-07-30T15:44:00.000-07:002012-07-30T16:07:05.783-07:00Chemo and Care Packages<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"What is chemo like? Does it hurt?"<br />
<br />
My 95-year-old mother asked me this recently during a telephone conversation. Even after all these years, I realized that she didn't understand what my experience is like. So, I thought it might be a good idea to blog about this and share the information with others -- those who are newly diagnosed and facing chemo as well as their family & friends.<br />
<br />
First of all, if you are a family member, let me encourage you to go along for the chemo treatments. It will give you a better understanding of what your family member is going through and your support to them will mean the world -- trust me! I've heard of many people who don't want to come because they think it's frightening or depressing. Well, please read my blog titled "Life isn't Always a Box of Chocolates" and put on your big girl panties! Yes, some days it is sad to see the sick and hurting people there, but those are the times to thank the Lord for His mercies to you and say a prayer for these folks who need His healing touch.<br />
<br />
I remember we were told that my husband could join me for my first session, but not after that. We politely ignored that rule and John has been with me for every treatment in the past 5 years. Most of the other patients have a family member with them and they are a great encouragement, not only to the patients but also to other caregivers. The nurses are happy to accommodate them and we "regulars" are like family to each other!<br />
<br />
But back to the chemo. After you get situated in your recliner, the nurse will start your IV. If you can arrange it with your insurance, see if they will allow them to draw your blood for your lab tests at this time. It will save you an extra trip to the blood lab earlier in the week and one less needle in your life. Some folks are quite anxious about that needle, but be assured that these chemo nurses are very good at what they do. I even had one nurse start my IV by flashlight when we had a power failure! For the first year of weekly treatments, I had regular IV's and the veins in my arm got pretty worn out. I have since gotten a port put in to my chest which is practically painless and very convenient -- I highly recommend it!<br />
<br />
Usually the first medication they will give you is benedryl, to help protect you from an allergic reaction. Most everyone falls asleep, at least for a little while. Sometimes I'll go home and nap for 4 or 5 hours afterward. You may also receive a corticosteroid which also helps reduce allergic reaction, may relieve nausea, and helps your chemo medicine work better. This usually makes me a bit jumpy, like I've had too many cups of coffee. Sometimes I will have trouble sleeping the night after, but it will pass.<br />
<br />
Ask if you can get some IV medication for nausea (in addition to a prescription for pills to take at home later as needed). These usually work GREAT and it is best to cut this problem off at the pass. Each medication will take anywhere from 30 minutes to a couple of hours to administer. I always ask the nurse about the medication every time she changes it to a new "bag." Then I watch the drip, drip, drip and I ask the Lord to bless each drop of medicine as it goes into my body. You can check the monitor to see how many more minutes you have for each medicine.<br />
<br />
The medicines are usually cold, or at least colder than your body temperature, and it tends to make you cold as the treatment goes along. They can usually give you a pillow and a blanket to make you comfortable, or you might want to bring your own. The treatment itself is not painful and any side effects you may get don't usually start until at least several days later. Everyone's experience will be different, but personally I have found that side effects are pretty manageable and not as horrible as I had imagined. They have lots of drugs to treat various side effects, so don't hesitate to ask for help! There are also a lot of natural remedies so ask about those too. Talk to other patients for their suggestions.<br />
<br />
One time I was seated next to a nice lady who was receiving her first treatment and was quite nervous. I tried to tell her a little about what to expect and reassure her that she'd be just fine. A short while later I started to have an anaphylactic reaction to one of my medications (throat swelling shut, etc., etc.) and there was quite a commotion! The nurses quickly jumped into action, administered some epinephrine and soon I was fine. That was scary, but was quite rare -- I've never seen it happen to anyone else. I never saw that lady again and unfortunately I'm quite sure I gave her a good scare.<br />
<br />
After the treatment, I feel kind of "wiped out." It's hard to describe, but I just feel like my blood has been diluted (which it has!). Plan to rest the rest of the day.<br />
<br />
A few years ago when I found out that my cousin would be going through chemo herself, I wanted to do something to help but she was 3,000 miles away. So I thought about what items were helpful to me during my treatments and put together a "care package" to send her. I included things like a few knit caps, a good book, a devotional, a scarf, neck pillow, some ginger tea, hand sanitizer, an MP3 player, etc.<br />
<br />
Then I started hearing of more and more women being diagnosed. So I started sending out care packages to everyone I heard of. I have always found that the support and helpful advice from other survivors has meant the most to me, so I wanted to extend that same support to others. Sort of "pay it forward!"<br />
<br />
If you have any suggestions or items to donate for care packages, please let me know. Also, contact me with anyone newly diagnosed who could use a care package.Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-83145385883098967992012-07-14T17:54:00.001-07:002012-07-14T17:54:15.389-07:00Is it God's Will that I Suffer?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So many popular preachers are spreading the false doctrine that it is God's will that you be healthy and rich, so those are the things you should be seeking after. Aka: "Health & Wealth" or "Name it and claim it!" No wonder they are popular -- they are just tickling peoples' ears, telling them what they want to hear. But this doctrine they preach doesn't hold water in the Word of God.<br />
<br />
I just got some important scan results yesterday, and today I am praising the Lord that they came out good! I know God is before me, behind me, and walking along beside me, and He is graciously answering my prayers and those of the many folks who are praying for me (thank you all!). But if the scan results <b><i>hadn't</i></b> been good, would that mean God didn't hear or answer our prayers? Or that He doesn't care about me? I talked about that in an earlier blog -- sometimes His answer is "No" or "Not right now" or even "I have something different in mind."<br />
<br />
I can't help feeling like I've dodged a bullet this time. I am greatly relieved, but I also know I'll be facing a different scan later this month and may not get such favorable results. With stage 4 cancer, I know the rest of my life will be a series of various scans followed by the anxious wait for the results. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good. I almost feel guilty asking for folks to pray for me each time and taking them along on this roller coaster ride over and over.<br />
<br />
I recently heard of another person I've been praying for who didn't have such favorable results. Why were my results good and his were not? Why does God allow the bad results? Is it His will that we suffer? Did I do something wrong? (I covered that last question in my blog titled "The Blame Game" in March -- check it out.)<br />
<br />
God has recently been speaking to my heart about His children who suffered, specifically Paul, Peter, and the early saints told about in the book of Acts, as well as the earlier story of Job. I LOVE the book of Acts -- it reads like an action movie and keeps me coming back to find out what happens next to the early believers!<br />
<br />
In Acts 24 Paul was sharing the gospel with the Jews in Jerusalem and he was arrested and imprisoned. There he continued to share his faith in Jesus with government officials he otherwise would never have had the opportunity to meet. Paul faced many hardships including being stoned and shipwrecked. At any one of these points I would have reevaluated my decision to continue. He also suffered from some unknown "thorn in the flesh" but he pushed on. I might have said, surely this isn't God's will for my life -- this is miserable!<br />
<br />
<u><i>We assume that our destiny is comfort, but sometimes God has missions for us that don't include comfort</i></u>. Our constant pursuit of our own comfort isn't always God's mission for us. When I thought of a plan for my life, what it would be like, I didn't plan on cancer. Wouldn't have been my first choice! But what I want may not be God's will for my life. Do you think Paul would have chosen imprisonment and all the hardships he faced? What about Job? Would you choose a life plan that includes losing all your family, your livelihood, and all you own? Think of how many people over thousands of years have been blessed and encouraged by the story of Job's faithfulness in spite of incredible adversity. <br />
<br />
<b>Sometimes God has missions for us that don't include comfort.</b><br />
<br />
That's a pretty big pill to swallow. I'm okay with that -- are you? I'm not in heaven yet -- this is earth and we can expect to have some suffering while we're here. We can't expect everything to be perfect when we're living in a fallen world. But I know that He is always with me, through the Holy Spirit we can find contentment in any situation -- whether with plenty, or with nothing. And I know that all things work together for our good and for His glory!<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><span class="text Rom-8-18" id="en-NASB-28135">"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18</span></i><br />
<i><span class="text Rom-8-18" id="en-NASB-28135"><br /></span></i><br />
<i><span class="text Phil-4-11" id="en-NASB-29454">"Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.</span> <span class="text Phil-4-12" id="en-NASB-29455">I
know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in
prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of
being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.</span> <span class="text Phil-4-13" id="en-NASB-29456">I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13</span></i><br />
<i><span class="text Phil-4-13" id="en-NASB-29456"><br /></span></i><br />
<i><span class="text 2Cor-12-9" id="en-NASB-29032">"And He has said to me, <span class="woj">“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.”</span> Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.</span> </i><span class="text 2Cor-12-10" id="en-NASB-29033"><i>Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10</i></span></blockquote>
Learn more about Paul here: <a href="http://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionaries/bakers-evangelical-dictionary/paul-the-apostle.html" target="_blank">http://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionaries/bakers-evangelical-dictionary/paul-the-apostle.html</a>Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-90382526718607334242012-07-10T10:02:00.001-07:002012-07-10T10:11:38.295-07:00Life Isn't Always a Box of Chocolates!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">I began writing this entry about a week ago and I found that
my frame of mind was just a bit too ….. angry.
So as I often do, I set it aside to give it more thought and finish it
later. After some reflection and talking
it over with a few trusted friends, I think I have gained some new perspective
and am ready to try it again.</span><br />
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">A while ago I went back to the hospital to visit a sweet
lady who had been a hospital roommate of mine. She is also battling cancer and
is having a rough time of it. I had hoped to bring her some encouragement. When
I got there, however, she was enjoying some much-needed sleep so instead I visited
with her daughter.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">She told me about the rough journey her mother has had over
the past few weeks and it broke my heart to hear of her suffering. But the
thing that bothered me most was hearing about others who couldn’t handle the
reality and unpleasantness of her illness. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I’ve heard stories of similar experiences from others and
even known of a few folks like this. They can’t deal with it so they close
their eyes to it, ignore it, pretend it doesn’t exist, and they run away. They
may be the folks who should be stepping up to help, the ones who are needed the
most. But POOF! They just vanish. They don’t visit, don’t call, don’t write,
can’t even acknowledge what’s happening because THEY can’t handle it! Often
this means that responsibilities all fall to one family member, or to a caring
friend or neighbor (thank God for them!).</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I’ve also witnessed (many times!) husbands who don’t come
with their wives for their treatments. They wait in the car, because coming
into the oncology office is too depressing to them. OR, worse yet, they go to
work and their wife has to drive herself to and from chemo (and fix dinner for
him when he gets home). Are you screaming yet? </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">This is the point where I got really angry, and although I
thought it was a righteous anger, perhaps I need to try to view the situation
from these peoples’ eyes. I want to tell them to grow up and learn to deal with
real life, including the “icky” parts, but perhaps there’s more to their
reaction than I realize. Perhaps there is an experience in their past that
makes this situation especially painful for them and is why they run from it. I also have to realize that not everyone has
faith in Christ, which is what gives me strength and gets me through this. I
pray that they will find it.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">But a friend of mine also pointed out that this kind of
reaction may be yet another by-product of this self-centered society we’ve
become. Individuals have become so focused on their own happiness and comfort,
that they have forgotten how to express compassion to hurting. I want to shake
them and remind them that someday life’s “unpleasantness” may happen to them
too. Imagine what it’s like for the
person facing the illness. We don’t have the luxury of running away – it’s with
us 24 hours a day. They may feel guilty and have regrets when it’s too late and
that loved one is gone, so try to get a handle on it now. Life isn’t always
comfortable and pleasant.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">If you are one of those dear sufferers who has been
deserted, my heart goes out to you, and I hope you have found comfort in the
One who will never leave you or forsake you. Thank you, Lord that when times
are tough and humans fail me, You are always by my side.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>“Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go,
and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have
done what I have promised you.” Genesis 28:15</i></span></div>
</blockquote>Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-37108806449907264992012-06-21T07:09:00.002-07:002012-06-21T07:09:39.620-07:00Body PartsAnother lesson God has taught me is that we are not meant to or designed to handle everything on our own. That's been a tough lesson to swallow at times, in the course of my cancer battle, as I find I am just physically unable to do all the things I used to or want to do. As much as I want to cook a fabulous dinner for my family, go pull weeds in my garden, or dust those bookshelves that have really been bothering me, I have to let go of things, let others do for me and keep my butt firmly planted on the couch. It is so frustrating when my body just can't do what my mind wants to.<br />
<br />
My latest challenge involves my heart. Good grief, it seems like it's always some new body part breaking down each week, but now it's my <i>heart</i>! I have always been strong, physically fit, no problems or limitations, before the cancer. But now my heart is challenged and has been taking a beating (no pun intended!) due to some of my treatments and medications. Its not supposed to be this way! I should still be running and turning cartwheels! But now I have to be careful, limit activities, and take special care of myself..... and accept help and allow others to do FOR me. <br />
<br />
The truth is God often answers our prayers and ministers to us through the hands and feet of His people. He refers to the church as the BODY of Christ -- each part has a different purpose, a different ability, a different talent. An eye cannot serve you in the same way a stomach does, and no one person can do all things. That's why God gives each of us a different gift and puts us together in the community of a church, so that we can help and support each other.<br />
<br />
I have a dear friend who tends to go MIA for months at a time when she is dealing with a problem, whether that might be physical, financial, or emotional. Instead of seeking the support of her friends and family in Christ -- other parts of the body -- she tries to take it on all by herself, and the problem becomes overwhelming. I start to wonder why I haven't heard from her in such a long time, then find out she's been hiding all alone with this huge problem. I love her so much and it hurts me as well to see her pain. This is not at all the way God intends us to live.<br />
<br />
Over the years, it has also taken a lot of pressure off me, knowing that I don't have to be Martha Stewart, Chef Ramsey, etc., etc. - - - - - - all rolled up into one. It's OKAY! That particular thing just isn't <i>my</i> gift! God gave me a different gift! I am an elbow -- not a knee! I am a different part of the body, no less valuable, no less useful, no less needed, just <b>different</b>. When you're facing a problem or find that you need help, don't guilt yourself about it and don't hesitate to accept help from others.<br />
<br />
Thank you, Father, for Your perfect design and plan -- for the different gifts You have given each of us and for fitting us together so well. Please help me to be a willing recipient as well as an instrument of Your Hands and Feet. You are so good to me. How grateful I am for those people who have helped me with the gifts You've given them. Please bless them for their willingness!Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-61447023830012815622012-06-16T14:25:00.000-07:002012-06-16T14:25:31.050-07:00My Cancer Journey Continues -- Am I Losing My Mind?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">I've just
gotten home after a short stay in the hospital dealing with side effects from
treatments and the progression of this disease. We're unsure whether the mass
in my lung has changed in spite of combined chemo and radiation treatments that
were no walk in the park. Damn cancer. It is a stubborn adversary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">"Just
breast cancer" has become a battle on many different fronts and the war
rages on. About 6 months ago scans revealed it had spread to my brain, opening
up a whole new can of worms. I had to explore and consider various possible
treatments. Considering their side effects was perhaps the most frightening of
my battles yet. If I qualified, I could have a "cutting edge" but
non-invasive treatment that would not cause brain damage. I looked at it like
one of my son's video games -- zapping the enemy with a laser gun! Zzzzt! And
he vanishes in a puff of smoke. However, qualifying would depend on a panel of
doctors analysis of the spread, size, and current control of the cancer in my
body. We waited anxiously a couple of weeks for their decision, insurance authorizations,
etc. This was the time when my friend's friend was praying for me and felt an
answer from the Lord that we would get a good report -- and we did! Thank you,
Lord!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">The
procedure was successful but there may come a time in the future when I will have
to go for the other option, which would cause some brain damage and memory
loss. I wept when I considered this. Among other possible effects, I thought
about losing my ability to speak, to read, to write, to communicate with my
loved ones, to remember. It seems like losing the person I am. I wept some
more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">Think about
that one and let it sink in a bit. What would you want to do if you faced this
possibility within weeks or months?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">Since I was
first diagnosed several years ago, I have felt strongly about communication
with my family -- leaving nothing unsaid. Over the past couple of years I have
put together ancestry information for our families, made a family history book,
and wrote a memory book for my sons. Now my thoughts turned to my future grandchildren
who are yet to arrive. (And I don't mean to "imply" anything here --
there is nothing in the works!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">Over the
years, in anticipation of grandchildren, I have picked up various little items
for those precious little ones and packed them away. Now I have started to make
a "Grandma's memory book" filled with photos and stories, experiences
and little nuggets of wisdom I want to pass down. I want my grandchildren to
know their Grandma and fortunately I have Shutterfly and about 4,000 slides my
father took (that's no exaggeration!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">I am working
furiously to get the contents of my brain on paper. I also seek to serve the
Lord through my blog writing. I know that the Lord promises that He has
prepared good works for us ahead of time and I know He has a plan for my life
and will use every last minute of it. I just keep praying that He will grant me
enough time to complete all the things He has planned for me!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">His
promises:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">"For we are His workmanship, created in
Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would
walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10)</span></i></span></span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">"Behold, children are a gift of the
LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward." (Psalm 127:3)</span></i></span></span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">"For I know the plans that I have for
you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a
future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)</span></i></span></span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">"Your eyes have seen my unformed
substance; And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained
for me, When as yet there was not one of them." (Psalm 139:16)</span></i></span></span></blockquote>
<!--EndFragment-->Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-53842622833900661142012-05-31T21:15:00.000-07:002012-05-31T21:15:33.914-07:00The Many Faces of Breast Cancer<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-dHt6tFiG1htNrxJfnK2lT3TVC-z8UKHN-PCjlwSBt0-ytQWTMRYz-f1h6hTHI192c0E9fcUVRIsvjetXw4v8kYAXE8OhAO13qg6KzYfd5XqoYyDMBzHdIhs0PZ5a6KpCA66QaDLYPaVf/s1600/R32LX.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-dHt6tFiG1htNrxJfnK2lT3TVC-z8UKHN-PCjlwSBt0-ytQWTMRYz-f1h6hTHI192c0E9fcUVRIsvjetXw4v8kYAXE8OhAO13qg6KzYfd5XqoYyDMBzHdIhs0PZ5a6KpCA66QaDLYPaVf/s1600/R32LX.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: Times; font-size: medium; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It was my very first day of chemo, nearly 5 years ago now, and John & I sat nervously in the waiting room. A woman came into the room in a motorized wheelchair. It was hard not to stare at her and wonder what horrible form of cancer had ravaged her. She was missing both legs and one of her arms. Fortunately she still had one arm with which to operate the controls of her chair. As I recall, she had an oxygen tank too. In spite of all this, she was very nimble in getting around in her chair and was cheerful and talkative.</span></div>
<div style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: Times; font-size: medium; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: Times; font-size: medium; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">We chatted and she asked me what kind of cancer I was being treated for. I told her I had breast cancer.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Oh, mine started out that way too!" she said.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">John and I looked at each other and I tried not to let the shock and fear show on my face. Oh, <i>NO</i>, I thought, I <b>JUST</b> have <b>BREAST</b> cancer -- it's not that serious, and certainly couldn't do <i>THAT</i> to a person! I'm just going to have my treatments, then my life will get back to normal. This poor woman must have some different type.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I envisioned crowds of women in pink tee-shirts that you see on TV commercials for breast cancer walks. Everybody smiling and holding hands with their mothers. Surely these are the thousands of women who survive breast cancer -- <u>not</u> this woman before me in the wheelchair! Statistically, many women do have early stage, non-invasive, non-aggressive breast cancer and they do go back to normal lives following only minor treatment.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">But then there are also women who can't make it to those walks. Their cancer spreads and their battles are difficult. Like the woman in the wheelchair. Our paths never crossed again and I don't know any more of her story.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It's been nearly 5 years now and "just" breast cancer has invaded my breast, lymph nodes, brain, and 3 times in my lung.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">This is where I left off when I started writing this blog about a week ago, where my inspiration ran out. I just wasn't sure where this story of mine was going at this point, so I decided to leave it for awhile. I was just finishing a rough course of treatment and dealing with side effects and a new, yet unidentified pain. As we waited for scan results, I braced myself for bad news, convinced it was more cancer and planning for whatever treatment would come next.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I talked with my cousin Ann who has been fighting her own battle with cancer for several years. She and I are kind of a mutual support team -- sharing our experiences, side effects, nausea, baldness, hats, fears, and prayers. Others can sympathize, but there's nothing like sharing with someone who's been through the same battle. Doctors had recently found that her cancer had spread -- a nodule in her lung -- and she was scheduled for a biopsy. It was not going to be a pleasant procedure and seemed to be just a formality, as the doctor was certain it was malignant. He told her any hope that it was NOT cancer was a "pipe dream." Ann and I talked about her planned chemo and my potential further treatments as well.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Rather unexpectedly, my doctor told me that my scan showed fractured ribs and not cancer. I was quite surprised, relieved, and yet cautiously optimistic. Over the next few days I began feeling better, my pain easing and my energy improving. It was wonderful, and when I told Ann about it I almost felt guilty. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">On the day of Ann's biopsy I woke up at 4 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep, so I decided to pray. I prayed that she would have peace about it, that she would be protected from fear, that she would have safe travels, that the procedure would go smoothly and that she would not experience pain. I prayed that the Lord would be at work through each doctor and nurse that would be working on her today and I prayed that God would guide each needle. I prayed that the results would be good and lead the doctors to good decisions about her treatme<span style="border-collapse: collapse;">nt. I prayed for everything I could think of. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">Then I realized that I was praying as though the cancer was already a forgone conclusion. I needed to pray for a <b>miracle</b>. I don't usually pray so specifically, but felt God was leading me to specifically pray that when they did the preliminary scan for the biopsy they would find there is NOTHING THERE! I knew it was impossible, but I prayed anyway.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">A few hours later, I got a call from Ann who was then on her way home. The most amazing thing had happened.....</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">She had been on the table being scanned and heard the hum of the machine. Then a long pause. Then it hummed again. The doctors and nurses had left the room and left her on the table for the longest time. She started wondering why the delay and wondered if the cancer had spread more and there would be additional spots to be biopsied. Time crawled and her mind was going wild.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">Finally the doctor came in and told her she was done and could go home. WHAT? The scan had showed the spot was completely <u>gone</u>. They were all buzzing about it and said they had never seen anything like it! </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">Wow, it's so fun to see God in action! What I had felt led to specifically pray for was EXACTLY what happened! Here, just a week ago she and I had both been facing a fearsome enemy and heading into a dark time of sickness and struggle. Now, we both had good news, a bright hope, and miraculous healing! </span></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness.</span></span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me.</span></span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope.</span></span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">The Lord's loving kindnesses indeed never cease,</span></span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning;</span></span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">Great is Your faithfulness.</span></span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him."</span></span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him.</span></span><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;">Lamentations 3:19-25</span></span></i></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse;"><br /></span></span></div>Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-75490179899488563132012-05-18T06:03:00.000-07:002012-05-18T06:03:10.677-07:00Doctors, Nurses, and Others: The Ministering Hands of God<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Once again, here I sit at my computer at 3 AM, although I <i><b>long</b></i> for sleep, and I really <b><i>NEED</i></b> to sleep, although my pillows are <i><b>SO</b></i> soft and inviting ..... still I just can't sleep when God starts prompting me to write. I sure wish He'd pick another time of day, though. Maybe it's natural that we hear Him more clearly in the wee hours when everyone else is sleeping, the TV's and noises of the day are silent. Okay, God, I'm all ears.<br />
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I've been thinking that if I had my life to live over again, I would choose to pursue a career in the medical field. This is because along my journey I have been so directly impacted by the many doctors, nurses, techs, and other medical professionals who have cared for me. <u><b>NEVER DOUBT that you are the ministering hands of God</b></u> -- just like in this picture. When I was young and considering a career choice I was scared off of the medical field because I was squeamish about needles and blood and such. How silly that seems now. If only I could meet my younger self -- I would slap me! I would so love to "pay forward" the kindness shown to me. What an awesome and <i>direct</i> way to minister to people's very lives!<br />
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I have just completed 4 weeks of daily radiation treatments and the wonderful ladies who treated me each day made it such a positive experience, in spite of the side effects I struggled with. They were always so cheerful and kind to me and just had a way of putting me at ease. God bless you ladies for the job you do!<br />
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There have been plenty of others, as well, such as the tech named Angel who I mentioned in an earlier blog. My chemo nurses are wonderful, skilled, and compassionate women. I can't even imagine how difficult and stressful their jobs must be, but their smiles and amazing care has made the difference in so many lives. I'll never forget the time they saved my life when I had an anaphylactic reaction. God has truly given them a gift for what they do.<br />
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Two women whom God has truly gifted are my doctors, Dr. Wu & Dr. Malek. Both are young mothers with families of their own, and yet such devoted instruments of God to the patients they care for. My oncologist, Dr. Wu, constantly fights for my life, and I can't think of anyone I would rather have fighting for me. I've had friends suggest, especially when my cancer came back, that I go to some special cancer center or seek out some new cutting edge treatment. But I know that Dr. Wu is an expert on all the latest treatments and is looking out for my best -- I couldn't get better care anywhere else! There have been times when she has sat and cried with John & I -- I know without a doubt how deeply she cares for me.<br />
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My primary doctor, Dr. Malek, is another amazing and gifted woman. How blessed I am that God brought her into my life! Her compassion and caring blows me away! As an example, just last Christmas day, I was sick and e-mailed her. Within an hour, on Christmas morning, she had answered me and called in a prescription for me -- saving my Christmas!<br />
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Unfortunately, I have also met a few who are at the other end of this spectrum and lack caring and compassion -- yet they are in this field anyway. I have seen the most hateful and heartless people caring for people in nursing homes, in the ER, and similar jobs. I realize that these are difficult and often thankless jobs and they require a special gift in order to be able to do it. People like this need to recognize that they simply do not have that gift and get out. The reason they are so unhappy in their jobs is that they are a wrong fit. Get out because you are hurting people.<br />
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I think I am a naturally compassionate person and I expect others' minds to work the same way mine does. This is why I am so completely blindsided when I encounter people who are void of compassion or morals. I've come across a few folks like this in hospital bureaucracy and also in medical insurance. I just cannot comprehend how someone can deliberately do things to delay treatment for a terminal patient or in some other way do things not in the best interest of another person's very life. Just can't get my mind around that. Part of me wants to say there's a special place in hell for folks like that, but I must say, Father forgive them and change their hearts as only You can.<br />
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I do an awful lot of praying whenever I go for treatments, tests, checkups, whatever and wherever. Prayer is free, easy, and powerful -- and I know we all need it! I pray for the guy in the parking lot, other patients in the waiting room, the nurses, the doctors. I pray that God would continue to work through their hands to care for others, give them wisdom for the decisions they make, compassion for the people they treat. God bless them for the important work they do. They are truly God's ministering Hands.Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-38570323027357513722012-05-10T15:17:00.000-07:002012-05-10T15:17:41.107-07:00Finding Strength<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sometimes people compliment me how amazing my strength is, but I just don't see it. Or, at least I can't take credit for it because I know I am not the source -- it is from the Lord. If you looked at all I've been through: all the chemo, radiation, surgeries, biopsies, scans, and the many varied side effects -- if you rolled them all together, then yes, they would be really overwhelming. But God has only given this trial to me in one-day doses, and He gives me strength one day at a time. Daily bread.<br />
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I wish I could say that my life has been a faithful walk, always close to the Lord, but it hasn't. Funny, when I read the Old Testament about the Israelites and how they seemed to go through cycles of walking close to the Lord then straying then coming back again -- I think, <i>what's wrong with those people? Don't they ever learn? What knuckleheads! They should learn from experience how much more blessed their lives would be if they would just STAY close to the Lord.</i><br />
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Then I look at my own life and see it has been the same cycles. When everything is going smoothly in my life, I may go days or even weeks without spending time in prayer or reading my Bible. Everything's fine -- I can handle it, right? Then a problem comes into my life -- a sickness, job loss, death in the family, etc. -- that drives me back to the Lord. <i>What a knucklehead! You'd think I would learn from experience!</i><br />
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Jesus taught us we should pray for "daily bread." I used to think this was just asking God to provide us with food for the day, but we should be looking to Him daily for nourishment and strength emotionally and spiritually as well.<br />
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I love the story in Exodus 16 (<a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+16&version=NASB" target="_blank">Exodus 16</a>) in which God provides daily food for the Israelites. Every day (except the Sabbath) for the 40 years they were in the wilderness. What an amazing lesson in God's faithfulness and provision. It also reminds me not to multiply my suffering by worrying or borrowing trouble from the future, but to trust God one day at a time! He is my strength and my daily bread!<br />
<br />Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990332752670839924.post-39160526406289413222012-05-02T08:21:00.003-07:002012-05-02T08:21:28.974-07:00I am beloved!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Battling cancer for 4 years has taken a toll on the reflection that greets me in my bathroom mirror. Slowly and gradually the woman that looks back at me has changed and I've had to admit I'm not who I used to be. I don't mean to be shallow and too focussed on external appearances, but when I look at the "before" and "after" it's hard not to feel melancholy for the younger, cancer-free version of me. <br />
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My head, although friends assure me I have a "beautiful, perfectly shaped" bald head, still lacks the thick head of hair I used to have. Now I look at women with long hair (or for that matter, women with hair at all!) and in my mind I calculate how long it took for their hair to grow. I have only white peach fuzz now and lose that every time they change my chemo medicine. The woman in the mirror is often drawn and pale. Eyebrows and eyelashes are long gone and when I go out in public, that is probably what looks the most freakish about me -- I turn heads for a totally different reason than I used to.<br />
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One night I told John about how I missed my old reflection and how I felt I now looked absolutely HAGGARD. The next morning when I walked into the bathroom, John had taped a large, cut-out paper heart to the center of the mirror, and wrote on it "To Erin, the most beautiful girl I've ever known." What a guy! He made me feel so loved! I have moved the heart to the side of the mirror, but it still greets me with every visit to the bathroom, and somehow I am less bothered by the reflection in the mirror. I know I am loved, regardless!<br />
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This past week my son shared with me a video done by Mike Donehey of the group Tenth Avenue North in which he shares his inspiration for his song "Beloved." We watched it together and I learned the most incredible and beautiful lesson about God's love for me. What beautiful parallels there are between Jewish customs at the time of Christ, Passover, the Last Supper, and Jesus view of us as His bride or beloved!<br />
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According to custom at that time, when a man offered a woman a cup of wine and said "This is my covenant," he was proposing marriage:<br />
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">In the same way</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">He took</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">the cup also after supper, saying,</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><span class="woj">“This cup is the new covenant in My blood; do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of Me.” I Corinthians 11:25</span></span></i></blockquote>
She could then accept or decline. If she accepted, she was then referred to as "one who was bought with a price" (because he had to pay a price just for the chance to propose to her). He would then go away to prepare a place for her, an addition to his parents' house:<br />
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="woj">"In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;"><b> </b></span>I go to prepare a place for you.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><span class="woj"> If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also." John 14:2-3</span></span></i></blockquote>
When finished, he would come to get her on an unannounced day and time, calling her with the sound of a trumpet. Does this sound familiar? Check out the video here -- it's <b><u>amazing</u></b>: <a href="http://youtu.be/eOaWb7AIVVc" target="_blank">http://youtu.be/eOaWb7AIVVc</a><br />
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So, as Mike pointed out, Jesus is metaphorically proposing to each of us (all we have to do is accept the offer!), even though we are not just unattractive, but scripture says we are a sinful and unfaithful bride. He is preparing a place for me and is coming back for me! Even though the reflection in the mirror is haggard and imperfect -- Jesus still loves me and wants me!<br />
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I am beloved.Erinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01952366951313673545noreply@blogger.com0