Saturday, June 16, 2012

My Cancer Journey Continues -- Am I Losing My Mind?

I've just gotten home after a short stay in the hospital dealing with side effects from treatments and the progression of this disease. We're unsure whether the mass in my lung has changed in spite of combined chemo and radiation treatments that were no walk in the park. Damn cancer. It is a stubborn adversary.

"Just breast cancer" has become a battle on many different fronts and the war rages on. About 6 months ago scans revealed it had spread to my brain, opening up a whole new can of worms. I had to explore and consider various possible treatments. Considering their side effects was perhaps the most frightening of my battles yet. If I qualified, I could have a "cutting edge" but non-invasive treatment that would not cause brain damage. I looked at it like one of my son's video games -- zapping the enemy with a laser gun! Zzzzt! And he vanishes in a puff of smoke. However, qualifying would depend on a panel of doctors analysis of the spread, size, and current control of the cancer in my body. We waited anxiously a couple of weeks for their decision, insurance authorizations, etc. This was the time when my friend's friend was praying for me and felt an answer from the Lord that we would get a good report -- and we did! Thank you, Lord!

The procedure was successful but there may come a time in the future when I will have to go for the other option, which would cause some brain damage and memory loss. I wept when I considered this. Among other possible effects, I thought about losing my ability to speak, to read, to write, to communicate with my loved ones, to remember. It seems like losing the person I am. I wept some more.

Think about that one and let it sink in a bit. What would you want to do if you faced this possibility within weeks or months?

Since I was first diagnosed several years ago, I have felt strongly about communication with my family -- leaving nothing unsaid. Over the past couple of years I have put together ancestry information for our families, made a family history book, and wrote a memory book for my sons. Now my thoughts turned to my future grandchildren who are yet to arrive. (And I don't mean to "imply" anything here -- there is nothing in the works!)

Over the years, in anticipation of grandchildren, I have picked up various little items for those precious little ones and packed them away. Now I have started to make a "Grandma's memory book" filled with photos and stories, experiences and little nuggets of wisdom I want to pass down. I want my grandchildren to know their Grandma and fortunately I have Shutterfly and about 4,000 slides my father took (that's no exaggeration!)

I am working furiously to get the contents of my brain on paper. I also seek to serve the Lord through my blog writing. I know that the Lord promises that He has prepared good works for us ahead of time and I know He has a plan for my life and will use every last minute of it. I just keep praying that He will grant me enough time to complete all the things He has planned for me!

His promises:

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10)

 "Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward." (Psalm 127:3)

 "For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

 "Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained  for me, When as yet there was not one of them." (Psalm 139:16)

1 comment:

  1. Hi,

    I have a quick question about your blog, would you mind emailing me when you get a chance?